Do you ever wonder how you got here??

I'm going to apologize now for the depressing post, but I guess I just need to let off a little steam. Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you wonder, "How in the Hell did I get here??" I'm at that point right now. Financially, things are pretty bleak for us right now. And I just don't know what to do. I went to college with all these high expectations for a "better life". My parents didn't have a lot of money and I remember the lean years vividly. Neither went to college. I grew up on a farm. It was a really nice, hard-working life. But there was never a lot of money. I made my own money babysitting, and waiting tables when I was 16. I got a scholarship to a private university, but I worked hard when I was there too. I always had a job. When my friends from Chicago were playing and hanging out, I had to work. The year I lived in the sorority house (no laughing here folks.....yes, this goth girl was a sorority girl!), I never got to eat dinner with the girls. I worked ever night 4 -7.

When I graduated, the job market wasn't great. I stayed on at the place I was working part-time. I did books and reservations for a limousine company. (It was run in the same building as the owner's jewelry store, which I also helped out in) and I bartended some nights and most weekends. Student loans to pay too (private school ain't cheap!) But I found a job in a good company. I started low...one of those mailroom type gigs....and have since moved up from a Class 4 to a Class 21 management employee. This is where things are supposed to get better. I met and married my husband. He started working for the Mitsubishi Manufacturer in Normal. A great job. Finally lots of money. And we started spending. We bought a house, nicer vehicles, started having kids. The real American Dream.

But things started falling apart about 5 years ago. Mike got hurt at work. His back. And if you've ever been through a workman's comp claim you will know what I'm talking about. He was out of work for over a year and ended up having surgery on his upper spine. Mitsu fought it all the way. We went for almost a year without any sort of pay from them, wiping out most of our savings. We had been in the process of some home improvements, and had just taken out an equity loan. A big one. He finally ended up getting most of his pay back, but it ended up breaking him. He used to like his job. Now he hated the company. They had called him a liar and he really took it hard. He also hurt his ankle in the injury and it was never the same. He ended up going out on disability. What that meant was he still received a check from the company, but at lower rate. And it was about a $25,000 a year pay cut. They finally laid him off during bad times which is where we are at now. It's amazing what losing that much money a year can do. Especially when none of your expenses go down. Kids cost money, more so each year. Gas and electric prices skyrocketed. Insurance goes up. Healthcare goes up.

So here we are now....five years later. Struggling again. Mike seems to be a broken man...and it's left to me to make things right. And I've done a horrible job so far. I never thought to plan better 5 years ago. I thought it would get better instead of worse. I don't want to claim bankruptcy, but right now I don't even know if that will help. I can't lose my house or my cars. And I want to be able to do things with my kids. But I am willing to go the extra mile and take a second job. I would love one of those work from home data entry things, but I don't even think they do that anymore. Mike is working part-time now, but just above minimum isn't $30/hour, that's for sure.

So, I'm sitting here today looking back and wondering how I got here. I can't tell you what I would give for about 50 grand right now. That would just about take care of all my debt and car payments. Put my money market back where it should be. Pay off the equity loan. Ah.....to win the lottery (of course the odds of that are so slim, it's not worth the buck!) I just wish I could get a handle on this. I would love to work for myself. That was always a dream...but there's no way that could happen now.

Again...sorry for the depressing post. It feels good just to let it out. I pray every night for some sort of solution, but one never comes. So, if you know any billionaires out there.....let me know!!

Later!