The Whining Post

For the most part, I use this blog for books and book related posts. That was the whole point in creating this blog. But there are days when I just feel the need to unload. And sometimes, this is the only place. Feel free not to read. I'm not even looking for comments. I just really need to vent.

Commence whining: The poker hand above is a Royal Flush. My daddy taught me to play poker when I was little. It's a game I love...and to be honest, I'm good at it. In the words of Kenny Rogers, I "know when to hold them, and know when to fold them. I know when to walk away and I know when to run". I was talking to an old friend the other night, and we got on the subject of life, in general. (And a whole lot of specifics that I will leave out of this post). The reason for the poker hand?? He told me (and I will paraphrase) that sometimes life deals you a rotten hand, and you just have to do the best you can with what you've got. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Well let me tell you....if my life was a poker hand, I would have folded and ran a long time ago! The last 10 years have been rough. For some reason, I must have zoned out of all those lessons that told me how rough life really is. I don't remember anyone talking to me about "corporate downsizings", "permanent layoffs", "bank foreclosures", "bankruptcy" or "rescinding incentive payments". No one told me at this age, I would be working 2 jobs, on off-shifts...some weeks up to 75 hours. No one told me that at this age, even after all the hard work, I'd still have to count my pennies just to pay my bills. No one told me how HARD life would be.

Hindsight is 20/20, they say. And those mysterious "they" would be right. I can pinpoint a few decisions that I made that could have drastically changed the shape of my life. Sitting here right now, it's easy to say that I was an idiot for making the choices I have. But I can't change things, and it seems so counter-productive to second guess myself. At the time, the decisions I made felt right. If I could go back and do it all over again, would I? I can't actually say. Would my life have been better? Who knows??

What I do know is this: As much of a struggle as life is, I have 3 wonderful kids that I can't live without. They are my reason for waking up in the morning. And my reason for breathing. I am employed, which is more than a lot of people can say. And I'm thankful for that. But I want to teach. I have for a long time, but have given many excuses for why I never returned to school to get my certification. In a perfect world, I'd be a professor of English lit at a small Liberal Art College out East. Or maybe teaching high school English in a small town by the ocean. And you know what? Starting in the fall, I'm going to be taking classes again. At least one class. Just to see if I still have it in me. And to see if I can handle it with my already over-the-top schedule.

My friend made me think about a lot of things, and even without the conversation, things have been building. To be honest, the last few days, I've felt like shit anyway. I'm just coming off a major migraine. For the last 2 days, I've been pretty much down and out. It's really bad when you can't move without getting nauseous. To top it all off, the blood tests that I took last week didn't exactly have the results I'd hoped for. My TSH levels (for my non-existent thyroid) are way too high and my meds need to be changed again. My cholesterol is through the roof. Stress isn't helping anything. And I think I might possibly be getting an ulcer. Sheesh. I think I need a vacation. I'm tired and still not feeling great. I just want to know....when it is MY turn for a Royal Flush??

That's it. Whining Ceased. I feel much better now. Stay tuned for more "Book" stuff later!!